What would you do if I told you?
No I mean really told you. Everything.
You might be cool and congratulate me. Honesty, real honesty, ain’t easy. And rarer than a unicorn, unfortunately. A congrats would be a welcome response to such a taxing bit of writing.
You might leave. I mean I dunno who you are or how you got here but I’d already miss you if you decided to peace out because the inside of my brains scares you. That’s always sad.
You might judge me. If you judge people you’re automatically wrong in my opinion because you’ve failed to think and were lazy and cast judgement. It’s human and natural to form an auto-opinion. Smart people think. Logical people see a thing, take it in, roll it around on their tongue and then spit it out.
So I guess that’s my hesitation. Much as I dislike people who consider themselves superior, I still care what they think about me.
That makes me an idiot.
I believe it.
What if I told you that sometimes I have to get away from my kids because their sounds overwhelm my brains and I wanna cry. They’re happy, just playing, but I’m overwhelmed so I sit in my car in the drive just for the silence. I hate that about me. I’ll never be a good mom.
Or that every time I clean the cat box I curse cats and whatever hell they came from in the most colorful language possible. I mean I think I’d be arrested if ppl heard that shit. I love my cats. But once a wk…
That’s not even close to the worst of it of course but you see what I’m saying right.
I wanna tell you all that stuff you never tell anyone. Those thoughts you have that you know aren’t really who you are at all. Bc choices, and stuff like that. Thoughts are just thoughts…til you act on em of course.
I’d never act on any of the thoughts I’d tell you. It just…feels good too say unpopular shit like “I really hate birds” in public sometimes. Like…steam. Relief.
I read my childhood journals they’re a crock of shit. Man was I good at denial it was like an art form and I wasDaVinci. Brains are fascinating things. Here’s a secret honest thought…I think they’re beautiful. I think brains are the most amazing, beautiful things ever I mean tell me something more intricately complex? I love watching them work, too. I love planting seeds and, if I’m lucky, watching them grow.
What I mean is I will bitch a lot about people but the truth is I fucking love them. I love them. Terrible, evil, beautiful creatures they are. And they are absolutely my heart.
I fkn hate em too. But so does everybody.
So I was trying to give you an idea of the kind of honesty I mean. I don’t even know if I’m capable of it…I sugar coat things I’m a diplomat. But what if I could strip that for a minute…what if I thought my own thoughts as if there were no such thing as “wrong”…
I wonder what would happen…