Honesty

What would you do if I told you?

No I mean really told you. Everything.  

You might be cool and congratulate me. Honesty, real honesty, ain’t easy. And rarer than a unicorn, unfortunately. A congrats would be a welcome response to such a taxing bit of writing. 

But…

You might leave. I mean I dunno who you are or how you got here but I’d already miss you if you decided to peace out because the inside of my brains scares you. That’s always sad. 

You might judge me. If you judge people you’re automatically wrong in my opinion because you’ve failed to think and were lazy and cast judgement. It’s human and natural to form an auto-opinion. Smart people think. Logical people see a thing, take it in, roll it around on their tongue and then spit it out. 

So I guess that’s my hesitation. Much as I dislike people who consider themselves superior, I still care what they think about me. 

That makes me an idiot. 

I believe it. 

But seriously…

What if I told you that sometimes I have to get away from my kids because their sounds overwhelm my brains and I wanna cry. They’re happy, just playing, but I’m overwhelmed so I sit in my car in the drive just for the silence. I hate that about me. I’ll never be a good mom. 

Or that every time I clean the cat box I curse cats and whatever hell they came from in the most colorful language possible. I mean I think I’d be arrested if ppl heard that shit. I love my cats. But once a wk…

That’s not even close to the worst of it of course but you see what I’m saying right. 

I wanna tell you all that stuff you never tell anyone. Those thoughts you have that you know aren’t really who you are at all. Bc choices, and stuff like that. Thoughts are just thoughts…til you act on em of course. 

I’d never act on any of the thoughts I’d tell you. It just…feels good too say unpopular shit like “I really hate birds” in public sometimes. Like…steam. Relief. 

I read my childhood journals they’re a crock of shit. Man was I good at denial it was like an art form and I wasDaVinci.  Brains are fascinating things. Here’s a secret honest thought…I think they’re beautiful. I think brains are the most amazing, beautiful things ever I mean tell me something more intricately complex? I love watching them work, too. I love planting seeds and, if I’m lucky, watching them grow. 

What I mean is I will bitch a lot about people but the truth is I fucking love them. I love them. Terrible, evil, beautiful creatures they are. And they are absolutely my heart. 

I fkn hate em too. But so does everybody. 

So I was trying to give you an idea of the kind of honesty I mean. I don’t even know if I’m capable of it…I sugar coat things I’m a diplomat. But what if I could strip that for a minute…what if I thought my own thoughts as if there were no such thing as “wrong”…

I wonder what would happen…

E.

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41 thoughts on “Honesty

  1. I like your post. I’m not sure I’d be able let out the honesty you talk of. My mental honesty always ends up sounding like opinion shaded facts to me and no one needs or wants those usually.
    Also, I’m pretty sure most mom’s hide from their children at one point or another. Myself and quite a few of my friends have done it. It doesn’t make you a bad mom, just a human.

    Liked by 4 people

    1. I love that you called me human I needed that haha. Also agree with the mental diarrhea lol…not sure that’s what I meant but now that you mention it I shall give it thought thank you! Lol also had to explain that to the kids that sometimes ppl have to scream in closets…I need some mom friends lol. Thx again (:

      Liked by 3 people

  2. I think Hitler was fascinating. There’s an unpopular truth about me. People instantly assume it means I’m pro Hitler. I say people; I mean dickheads!

    Honesty is good for the brain. It normally leads to trouble, but the relief you get from delivering the truth can be so nice.

    I hate my kid at times. I could happily throw him out in the garden and leave him there. Or throw myself out in the garden and leave him in the house. I don’t think that makes me a bad person. He’s a 21 month old child. He’s supposed to be annoying as fuck and test my patience. I’m a parent. I’m supposed to lose my patience every so often. It’s natural. The way you feel and act is totally natural too. In fact, it’s an approach I may start to use myself

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Pro Hitler?! Who the fuck…no you’re right anyone who jumps to a conclusion like that sure has a dick for a head. Historical figures are fascinating. I love Henry VIII. He wasn’t awesome as a human really (who is) either. But being a little bit Jewish myself to you I say go for it. He was fascinating. Thx for sharing your feels about your kiddo too. Social media makes me cry sometimes with all the ways they tell me I’m a bad mom. Stupid me for listening to them…they’re just as wrong as your history haters. I may start a category or something here for an ongoing shocking truths thing. You’ve returned the inspiration thx! E.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. There haven’t been many claim I’m pro Hitler, but the fact there have been ANY is frankly ridiculous. I suppose the fact I’m also fascinated by Al Capone and Che Guevara makes me a revolutionist mobster by that yardstick.
        Social media is full of utter nonsense and overflowing with idiots. They can’t judge you as a parent because every child is different as is every mother. Your listening to their derogatory crap is merely self-doubt, which only makes you human. Who doesn’t doubt themselves? Don’t judge yourself too harshly though. You’ll only implode that way

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Thank you! That means a lot. I’m against Pinterest for the pressure it seems to put on me and my female friends. Psychological warfare I say.
        I have no problems with revolutionaries lol. Or mobsters fk. But pro hitler is retarded bc well he’s dead and it makes no sense.
        But I have now deleted Pinterest bc I do not like the sound of imploding. Thx (:

        Liked by 1 person

      3. I was never on Pinterest anyway. I don’t need another social media platform to be bored by. And from the sounds of it, you don’t need it too. Just stay on here and get your confidence geed up by us lovely folk on WordPress πŸ™‚ Yet to meet a single person on here who’s a dick.

        I like me a good revolutionary, provided they’re revolting for a good reason. I think Che Guevara had the best intentions regardless of what many think of Castro and Cuba. Anyway, I don’t want this to go all political. That shit works better than any sedative!

        Liked by 1 person

      4. He’s the viva la revolution they make trendy tshirts about right? Always wanted to read up on him so I could verbally smash some hipsters. It’s a hobby of mine.
        Social media is the devil. Which is sad bc I love ppl and being social. Never quite works out tho I’ve left them all now. Donezo. You’re right WP ppl seem to be of the coolest caliber it’s some kinda miracle. I’ve heard of the dicks but haven’t met any yet either.
        Obv my revolution would be a good one! Who has time for lame revolutions? Haha I like talking politics but only if it’s open minded. Like a convo vs a fight you know. But hey sedatives are great too. :p

        Liked by 1 person

      5. Yeah, his image has sadly become a product of pop culture with people who have no idea who or what he was, but ol’ Ernesto Guevara was a deeply fascinating man. He’s arguably my second favourite human of ever behind Leonardo da Vinci. Hunt down the movies Che Part 1 and 2. Benicio Del Toro plays the role so well!
        It is sad how shit social media has become. Antisocial media. It never used to be like that and I totally lay the blame at Mark Zuckerberg’s feet. Facebook usurped MySpace even though the latter was clearly better.
        My revolution would be pretty awful. It’d consist of mass genocide I think. Cleansing the earth of all the human waste. Probably best not to get into that πŸ˜‚
        I’ve never taken an interest in politics. Full of jargon and bullshit. I don’t vote because I think all politicians are snakes. In fact, they’re where my genocide would likely begin…

        Liked by 1 person

      6. Lmao I like that revolution! I’m in if it ever gets rolling let me know lol.
        Yes google and. The Fakebook will take over the world…if they haven’t secretly done so already. Eep 😳 I will try to find those movies tho and will def at the least do a wiki read thx!

        Liked by 1 person

      7. They have taken over the world in many ways if you ask me. How many people do you know that live their lives through Facefuck? And pretty much anything can be found on Google.
        I hope you find it enlightening if you do get around to it πŸ™‚

        Liked by 1 person

      8. I honestly think people enjoy their little bubbles of ignorance. Learning is hard. Watching Simon Cowell be a condescending ponce isn’t. Retaining interesting tidbits of knowledge is hard. Being mildly entertained by some celebrity who couldn’t care less about you isn’t

        Liked by 1 person

      9. Ashkenazic Jews are the Jews of France, Germany, and Eastern Europe and their descendants.Sephardic Jews are the Jews of Spain, Portugal, North Africa and the Middle East and their descendants.it. Is important from a health standpoint because ashkenazi Jews Carry certain genetic mutations and share some common diseases. My family is from Russia and Romania.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. I, personally, am highly sensitive to noise in my house. I totally leave and drive or go walk around stores alone when I need to… if I can’t get out, I go hide in my room or something. So I’d say that’s totally normal… God help me if we still had pets…. I often feel like the worst mother ever as well though, due in no small part to this

    Liked by 2 people

    1. We should totally talk lol (and I would but said children will arrive with said noise in a min) but I thank you for this. Makes me feel human. Hope all my complaining helps you feel less like a bad mom too bc I bet you aren’t. Bad moms don’t care they’re bad. Kinda like crazy ppl lol.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Yeah bc there’s always that one alpha mom plus ppl can be competitive/judgmental…but so glad to hear you have some mommy friends you like! Still looking for mine lol :p

        Liked by 1 person

      2. It’s taken some searching and patience to figure out who one can trust without feeling judged! I’ve been lucky, though, I think overall… not all friends that are mommys can be deep relationships and confidants… but I’ve found a handful over the years

        Liked by 1 person

      3. It’s hard for me to trust, I’ve had to tell myself to let go and take a “fuck it!” Attitude many times… and take the risk of trusting someone… sometimes it works out and sometimes it doesn’t… but… the only way to find people to trust is to try… I always start slowly with it though… don’t put all eggs in one basket so to speak

        Liked by 1 person

      4. Aw thank you and ofc ditto! I’m working on it…thinking of moving to the Netherlands where I hear all the women are just like me but taller. And blonder. And prettier fk…

        Liked by 1 person

  4. Honesty is great but so is diplomacy. The trick is to balance them.
    Speaking of being honest, you know what honestly pisses me off? That I, too, judge judgemental people for being judgemental. I hate that about myself because it makes me one of them. It’s a conundrum I have to live with.
    You’re lucky you can escape your kids. I do it too. πŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You are so right! Balance seems to be the secret to life I’ve been hearing it a lot lately. I guess I may well piss some ppl off and or hurt some feelings…so i struggle with whether or not the truth is worth all that. But I know it is.
      Hahaha well hmm…I think I judge judges too now that you mention it! I’m a little mind blown actually lol.
      Polar bears escape their kids too. True story. Mama will float away on an iceberg keeping baby bears within eyesight. So I guess nature says it’s ok too haha. Thx (:

      Like

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