*first post after making this blog. Was afraid to post it but not anymore. Sorry it sucks. True things are true.*
The Original Rage…
“Yes dear, very sneaky if you ask me.”
Actually now that ya mention it Ma don’t think I did ask.
“Mommy see I am smart!”
Yep looks like a statement (exclamation?) if you ask me.
But of course you didn’t ask either. Why would you when you clearly know everything!
Most of all you know your little daughter Lulu so very well. Silly thing almost thought she was smart for a min there but you fixed that no worries. Over the next 20-something years she will try to deceive you with her adorable chubby baby girl ways many times but never fear mother dear! You never miss a shot.
Indeed by the time she finally makes a run for it she’ll do so clinging to the last shred of self worth she can muster. In fact that last shred will actually be long gone before she even knew she’d had it but you know. You know the only thing that really did get her through the traitorous act was her pig-headed tenacity. She’s not brave, strong, or right! She’s just dumb. And mean. And treacherous.
Yes, aw you poor thing. Of course you’re the victim! What kind of daughter would…
None that’s right! Which is why you only have one daughter now. The other never was.
Well…she sure wishes she’d never been sometimes. That might have a little to do with how clear you made it that you regretted her life, but more likely the fact that she’s the butt of every cosmic joke eventually did her in and good riddance!
Right…who needs the whore!
Your real daughter is all you’d hoped and dreamed right? Yep! Obviously she’s perfection. She’s probably divine just like you said from the start. Little Angel Baby. That thing that happened when you were 17? What? Who…?
Thought she didn’t count…?
I’m sorry no clearly she doesn’t…but even if she didn’t, she wouldn’t! You had a do over everybody knows we all get at least one do over family! Free of judgment or outstanding bills from your practice kids of course. Any practice kid trying to show up now to benefit from lessons learned on their own tiny shoulders can fuck right off, eh Ma? Yep. Fuck right off ya lazy kids, said only the best mother ever!
Tale as old as time...
Guess I was pretty young the first time. Somewhere between baby and child, I was just starting to realize the different flavors of people the world can hold. I was starting to wonder what, if any, flavor I might be. Naturally I did some taste testing as I now know all children will do. Goes something like “Oo! She’s pretty! Am I..? No? Well he’s really fast! Am I? Hmm ok well those guys are super smart and witty maybe if I do this…” I mean but if you’re a human person you know all this I’m sure. Hashtag growing the fuck up!
Anyway I made an experiment of myself, took notes, and reported back to my mother all bright eyed and bushy tailed and foolishly proud of myself. “…look mommy!…”
I remember the experiment had been an awkward social situation amongst my little girl friends and I’d found a solution that not only worked but actually pleased us all. I’d done quite a few mental gymnastics to get to the tootsie roll center of it all and hey! Whaddaya know I’d landed a ten on my first try. Watch out olympics here I come!
Or nope! Bc Ma. And bc her crazy belief that self esteem looks terrible on me.
She may be right, maybe confidence isn’t my color. Mighta let me try it on first but whatevs…
I thought I was smart. She thought I was sneaky.
Later she’d say manipulative. A lot. That hurt. Know why? ‘Cuz I’m not that’s why. But she was persistent. God you haven’t met persistent til you’ve met my mother but I digress the point is she convinced me.
Until I applied logic of course but she had a long reign here I’ll give her that credit I suppose. She was thorough.
The accusation of manipulation (OooOo..) would depress me for years. Sure technically I could never understand it but I always believed she must be right. Mothers don’t intentionally hurt their own children I’d scold myself. Snap out of it and be better.
I’ve learned so much since you’ve been gone Ma. Just you wait and see. Except you won’t bc you’re not invited. Even if you were you’d Moms Magoo it all up and never see a damn thing either way. But…
Minus the Rage and poof!
Somewhere between fact and fiction.
Somewhere between living and survival.
Between love and hate and dark and light and left and right and…
Well there you find the truth I think.