3am

I know it’s pm in the title lol but I always saw as am. Maybe that’s when I first heard it idk. I wasn’t a fan of the genre before but I made myself sit through it. It really mellowed me…jus sayin (;

“I don’t know what to do..”

That’s the thought. The feeling. 

I fkn hate it. 

I hate it even more because I can’t describe it any better than “I don’t know what to do…” and frustrates the hell outta me. 

There’s this commercial I keep seeing on Hulu…it’s for a medication for some skin disease I think but it’s just these shots of people doing people stuff…working, sitting on a bus, whatever. But they look at the camera and say “See me.”

And then later…”See me, not my disease.” 

I don’t have a disease (officially) but I dig this commercial because I get the feels behind it. People who are hurt on the inside tho…people who are “different”…

It’s just…what’s with the stigmas and why? 

Who made you normal is my question. Who said the way you are is right? 

You go wrong as soon as you ask the question. I can honestly tell you that I dont. I see you and I accept all of your parts (literally) as part of a whole beautiful “creation”.  Even if we did all just evolve from apes and amoebas lol, you are now a human and I think you’re beautiful. 

All of you. 

Do I have maybe a special place in my heart for the especially different like myself,sure! But only because the validate my existence. We validate each other. Because I dunno bout you but I thought I was a freak…the only freak at the freak table. Double bonus suck. So when I see me in some of you…

Well it means to world to me, honestly. I think it’s probably the same for you but maybe I’m just more isolated than I thought. Oh yeah I quit humans locally a while ago. Every girl friend I had (mommies friends included) did nothing but bitch, drink, and backstab. Every one of em bit me in some horrible way or another so I called it off…

I don’t take shit anymore. I won’t. Go be That Girl on the sidewalk in Dewey if that’s what you want but it’s not my jam sorry.  I won’t be the one making sure you don’t puke on yourself or get raped anymore. It sounds cold probably. But I pour my heart and soul into to people. I do this because I genuinely love it. I love people even when they hurt me even when we disagree. But I got to a point where I had to do me and detox. 

Yes, people here are toxic. Ugh I’m so sorry to say it. I hate to write anything off. But I have given up trying to find friends here it only hurts. I’ve got enough of that plsnthx. We’re leaving anyway. But ya know I guess it’s more accurate to say people here are toxic for me

I let them in and I am poisoned. Heartbreaking. 

For me, anyway. I know it’s a normal part of life, meeting/having/losing friends. But I’m not you and my experience is completely different. Letting people in at all is major for me for many reasons. It’s not hard for me, that’s different. I actually sign myself up to love ppl and get shit on at every chance I get haha. It’s my joy. But it’s also my deepest pain. 

Why am I such a fkn walking contradiction. 

My theory? Because it’s funny. 

Haha no I mean if you were god or whatever, you’d get bored and put some of your ants under the sun and a magnifying glass sometimes right? I just try to imagine it sometimes when my life feels like a massive joke that’s over my head.  

My wifi has been in and out btw. The weather here is weird af and the latest trend is this freezing, strong, wind. Thinkin that’s part of it idk. Idc either I’m just…talking at you. 

I hope that’s ok. 

In my old blog I addressed the You’s as Hypotheticals. The reason for that being I didn’t think anyone would ever wanna read my brain vomit but I have to address someone…

I’m gonna tell you something weird and sad and random now lol…just forewarned. Because…idk maybe you can relate? I just feel like I should tell You so here goes…

I play this game on my phone. I’ve been at for over a yr now which is odd for me as I love to download, try it, delete it’s like that’s a game for me haha. But I kept this one and I still don’t know why. It’s so dumb, game wise. And app developers are the worst, business practice and ethics are goin right down the shitter guys, dunno if you’ve noticed. Anyway I play it. And it’s mostly independent (on your own) but there is a chat. Rarely used these days but…

One night I couldn’t sleep. I was playing this game, jamming in my headphones, hitting buttons repetitively (this is soothing for me who knows why) and I’m just there. It’s always 3am when I can’t sleep that’s just how I categorize it because 3am (to me) the words…they come with a feeling. 3am is lonely, quiet, solitary. Sometimes I used to kinda like it but sometimes..

Well I guess I panic. I’ve been left. I’ve been forgotten. Literally. And I fkn hate when I can’t feel people out there. Every once in a while it happens, I feel cut off and there’s a moment of intense panic.

This was one of those moments. 

“…anyone out there?” I braved the chat. The silence was obviously palpable, you know the kind. 

“I’m here.” Said someone. 

Idk who. But thanks, whoever you are.  I’ve been meaning to say that it’s just hard to admit myself to…myself.

See what I’m dealing with here?! lol 

As I always said if you think it’s bad out there you should see what it feels like in here. 

I’m a happy person. I bounce out of bed every morning like it’s fkn Christmas. Idk why. By the time I hit the coffee maker, I’ve remembered I’m a grown up and this is life and I’m not actually excited lol. But…yeah. That’s my nature. 

Still…in here…it’s scary sometimes. It hurts. Why do i insist on letting my brains vomit here? Because when I talk to You I tell the truth. Think I said that once…I tell can tell You the truth. I lie to me still. Doing this is helping me with that. Brains can me trained I think they actually enjoy it. So…I’m in training. 

Sorry. 😕 

But also not. 

And just so you know…

If it’s three am for you…

I’m here. 

Xoxo

*artwork is my own and if you followed me from the old blog (you Hypothetical angel, you) ya might remember the face. I finally finished her. Boom. 

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33 thoughts on “3am

  1. Amazing is putting it mildly. What a talent you have. Wow. Great post. Love your honesty and I agree 3 a.m. has a feeling all of it’s own. I get that for sure. 3 a.m. is a real thing. People always let each other down. Well, maybe not always, but usually. We are all so different from each other and the best thing we can do is to not get attached, enjoy the ride and be able to walk away…pretty much the way I live. Maybe it’s not a good way, but it works for me. I’m kind of a hermit, I guess. I don’t mind alone time. I read, write, draw, read some more, write some more, make stuff. LOLOL Sometimes people actually distract me from the things that I want to do, things that are important to me. Even when I’m with others, I sometimes tune them out and start thinking bout new stories to write. I sometimes feel as if people just say the same things all the time, you know what I mean? I can get bored with people but not being by myself. Not all the time and it depends on the people but sometimes that’s the way I feel. I’m glad you have your game, those things can be soothing at times because they distract our brains and yes, brains can be retrained, at least I think they can be for sure. Love your post. Again, your artwork is incredible. Love it.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Aw thx so much! Really means a lot to me (: the honesty thing is new but seems to be helping me stay grounded lol. Hmm…the Hub is kinda like you, very self sufficient I’m jealous haha. I sure hope brains can train lol…they can certainly self destruct! Thx again for your kindness xoxo

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  2. Tend to agree. As for advertising… it’s perversion of our culture’s relationship to our art is a big part of our spiritual illness. The doctors and nurses don’t see the poor girls afflicted with anorexia after the wards are only occupied by patients mainly. They don’t really understand them. Those girls were very intelligent. That was why their hell was so bad. Our media is like a junkie that steals someone’s wallet then helps them look for it.

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      1. Christmas morning here now. Hope it goes well for you when it comes to you. I should do my meditation then start heading into town. Restaurant we go to every year got rid of the manager during the year. I could see over the last few that she was not comfortable with the other manager and the culture. Funny because those she didn’t want to socialize with are the staff who are so judgemental of others… when they really just need to move food and beverage. Will be interesting this year because she had sincerity. I have actually spoken to another restauranteur this who aimed to make a great a la carte restaurant like McDonalds.

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      2. Sorry it’s been a few days been nutso busy aka stressed af lol. I hope your Christmas went well! Ours was great in some ways awful in others as I’m sure it is for everyone lol. Hmm sounds like this manager wasn’t a fan of negative vibes…me neither haha. So how’d it go?

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      3. All ok. New day starting here now. Tuesday. How is the winter over there?
        I have a friend who has gone home to Canada for Christmas. Back in a few weeks

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      4. So far it’s been warmish and then we get a day of freeze then it’s warm again lol. I’d love to visit Canada someday…have you ever seen the trailer park boys? It’s a tv show from up there…love the Canadian sense of humor (:

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      5. Good luck. Friend in Canada should be back in less than a fortnight. She says it gets damn cold there. 1930 here and still 36°C

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      6. I live in Delaware St… in Melbourne, Australia.
        Just finished a job… 5 hours til I have to be in the city. That’s the CBD of Melbourne. Melbourne calls itself the world’s most liveable city… which is probably true if you have a great job and everything else people want. So much homelessness and so much corruption

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      7. Wow Australia I’ve always wanted to see. I’ve only ever heard the great stuff tho…maybe a few freaky critter/bug stories but culturally I figured you just had to be better than us at least lol. I’m sure you are the bars pretty low here especially now…but you live in Delaware St? Dunno what the St part means but that’s a crazy coincidence! Haha xoxo

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      8. Omg duh…I wasn’t sure about the st abbreviation just in case it meant something else there in sorry. Beaches I’ve heard of but is that it?! So The Suck is global then? lol xoxo

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      9. Anyone sent here after 1788 came here because we weren’t wanted where we came from. Even today these hot shot managers from the US or Europe are probably trying to get a bit of distance from something. Lol. We had cultures here for 60 thousand years that were highly evolved in various ways and they were uprooted by savages from royal Britannia.
        Stars are different on this side of the world.

        Liked by 1 person

      10. Oh right they are! Well that’s reason enough to come over I love stars…the moon is another thing. Yeah…idk if the English descend a bit from Vikings but that’s sure how they took things back then…did the same here. It baffles me but then again these are much different times. Back then it was conquer and acquire now I’d hope ppl would have more respect…xoxo

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      11. I can’t work out much half the time. I think the manager had issues with the other manager. He’s an odd bloke in a very boring way. Normal or average people usually consider themselves very smart and well informed… usually because they watch the news

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      12. Am not a big fan of Depp these days. Good films though. Geoffrey Rush is brilliant. Disney is all over narrative communications currently and started some interesting moves about 15 years ago. The sooner the world is rid of Murdoch the better in regards to communications. A despicable individual that my country let loose on the planet.

        Liked by 1 person

      13. Murdoch? Yeesh he sounds like a Disney villain for sure lol but I don’t think I know who/what he is I’m sorry. Disney scares me tho. They seem to have tweaked their contracts as far as voice acting goes…like either they own you or they kill off your character like in How to Train your Dragon…is that what you mean? They’re just getting too big for comfort, buying everything up like google does. Shudder. Xoxo

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