3am

I know it’s pm in the title lol but I always saw as am. Maybe that’s when I first heard it idk. I wasn’t a fan of the genre before but I made myself sit through it. It really mellowed me…jus sayin (;

“I don’t know what to do..”

That’s the thought. The feeling. 

I fkn hate it. 

I hate it even more because I can’t describe it any better than “I don’t know what to do…” and frustrates the hell outta me. 

There’s this commercial I keep seeing on Hulu…it’s for a medication for some skin disease I think but it’s just these shots of people doing people stuff…working, sitting on a bus, whatever. But they look at the camera and say “See me.”

And then later…”See me, not my disease.” 

I don’t have a disease (officially) but I dig this commercial because I get the feels behind it. People who are hurt on the inside tho…people who are “different”…

It’s just…what’s with the stigmas and why? 

Who made you normal is my question. Who said the way you are is right? 

You go wrong as soon as you ask the question. I can honestly tell you that I dont. I see you and I accept all of your parts (literally) as part of a whole beautiful “creation”.  Even if we did all just evolve from apes and amoebas lol, you are now a human and I think you’re beautiful. 

All of you. 

Do I have maybe a special place in my heart for the especially different like myself,sure! But only because the validate my existence. We validate each other. Because I dunno bout you but I thought I was a freak…the only freak at the freak table. Double bonus suck. So when I see me in some of you…

Well it means to world to me, honestly. I think it’s probably the same for you but maybe I’m just more isolated than I thought. Oh yeah I quit humans locally a while ago. Every girl friend I had (mommies friends included) did nothing but bitch, drink, and backstab. Every one of em bit me in some horrible way or another so I called it off…

I don’t take shit anymore. I won’t. Go be That Girl on the sidewalk in Dewey if that’s what you want but it’s not my jam sorry.  I won’t be the one making sure you don’t puke on yourself or get raped anymore. It sounds cold probably. But I pour my heart and soul into to people. I do this because I genuinely love it. I love people even when they hurt me even when we disagree. But I got to a point where I had to do me and detox. 

Yes, people here are toxic. Ugh I’m so sorry to say it. I hate to write anything off. But I have given up trying to find friends here it only hurts. I’ve got enough of that plsnthx. We’re leaving anyway. But ya know I guess it’s more accurate to say people here are toxic for me. 

I let them in and I am poisoned. Heartbreaking. 

For me, anyway. I know it’s a normal part of life, meeting/having/losing friends. But I’m not you and my experience is completely different. Letting people in at all is major for me for many reasons. It’s not hard for me, that’s different. I actually sign myself up to love ppl and get shit on at every chance I get haha. It’s my joy. But it’s also my deepest pain. 

Why am I such a fkn walking contradiction. 

My theory? Because it’s funny. 

Haha no I mean if you were god or whatever, you’d get bored and put some of your ants under the sun and a magnifying glass sometimes right? I just try to imagine it sometimes when my life feels like a massive joke that’s over my head.  

My wifi has been in and out btw. The weather here is weird af and the latest trend is this freezing, strong, wind. Thinkin that’s part of it idk. Idc either I’m just…talking at you. 

I hope that’s ok. 

In my old blog I addressed the You’s as Hypotheticals. The reason for that being I didn’t think anyone would ever wanna read my brain vomit but I have to address someone…

I’m gonna tell you something weird and sad and random now lol…just forewarned. Because…idk maybe you can relate? I just feel like I should tell You so here goes…

I play this game on my phone. I’ve been at for over a yr now which is odd for me as I love to download, try it, delete it’s like that’s a game for me haha. But I kept this one and I still don’t know why. It’s so dumb, game wise. And app developers are the worst, business practice and ethics are goin right down the shitter guys, dunno if you’ve noticed. Anyway I play it. And it’s mostly independent (on your own) but there is a chat. Rarely used these days but…

One night I couldn’t sleep. I was playing this game, jamming in my headphones, hitting buttons repetitively (this is soothing for me who knows why) and I’m just there. It’s always 3am when I can’t sleep that’s just how I categorize it because 3am (to me) the words…they come with a feeling. 3am is lonely, quiet, solitary. Sometimes I used to kinda like it but sometimes..

Well I guess I panic. I’ve been left. I’ve been forgotten. Literally. And I fkn hate when I can’t feel people out there. Every once in a while it happens, I feel cut off and there’s a moment of intense panic.

This was one of those moments. 

“…anyone out there?” I braved the chat. The silence was obviously palpable, you know the kind. 

“I’m here.” Said someone. 

Idk who. But thanks, whoever you are.  I’ve been meaning to say that it’s just hard to admit myself to…myself.

See what I’m dealing with here?! lol 

As I always said if you think it’s bad out there you should see what it feels like in here. 

I’m a happy person. I bounce out of bed every morning like it’s fkn Christmas. Idk why. By the time I hit the coffee maker, I’ve remembered I’m a grown up and this is life and I’m not actually excited lol. But…yeah. That’s my nature. 

Still…in here…it’s scary sometimes. It hurts. Why do i insist on letting my brains vomit here? Because when I talk to You I tell the truth. Think I said that once…I tell can tell You the truth. I lie to me still. Doing this is helping me with that. Brains can me trained I think they actually enjoy it. So…I’m in training. 

Sorry. 😕 

But also not. 

And just so you know…

If it’s three am for you…

I’m here. 

Xoxo

*artwork is my own and if you followed me from the old blog (you Hypothetical angel, you) ya might remember the face. I finally finished her. Boom.