Heathen.

All my friends are heathens take it slow…

-21 Pilots 

You people have been making my brain itch…

No, it’s ok tis a good thing sometimes, thinking. Very distracting though. 

First this guy with his post about abandoned blogs, then The Hub starts reflecting on his younger self and now I’m all…

Thinky and shit. Yes I did just make up that word, you are welcome. 

Thing is idk wtf to say…

Yes you do…

Fine. I think I mentioned my volumes of journals over the years. I recently recovered several of those journals and even hunted down an old blog or two…my life is highly documented. Too bad it’s boring af. 

Except it wasn’t. I just didn’t write about the stuff. Partly because I wasn’t raised to ruminate or even acknowledge anything negative, and partly because survival. I was a kid and so i wrote, every day, but shallowly.  

“Dear Journal (Omg I addressed and dated every damn page..) Today I saw a cute boy and my friend said I was pretty but not as pretty as her and blahblahblah..”

I sugar coated my life.  Told stories, really. Ignored reality…whatever. You do what you gotta do as a kid. You don’t get to control anything but what’s inside your own head and that’s what I did. Nothing has ever been more fortified. If I knew my own military secrets they’d be worth billions I bet. I also knew my parents would read everything I wrote they watched me like they expected me to explode any second…in some illegal way probably. I didn’t want them to think I was weird. And I didn’t want them to know…stuff. 

So the stuff in those journals is mostly fluff. Annoying fluff.(stuff and fluff lol I Winnie the Pooh’d)  But I read it all and I started, slowly, to remember Me. 

We can call her Lulu as that was my childhood nickname. She wrote compulsively, I wonder what a psychologist would make of it. Probably, in laymens terms,

Freak.  

Yeah. Pretty much. 

But atleast I’ve owned it now. And for the first time ever, I’ve gone and linked my old blog to my new chapter here. For many reasons really but it’s symbolic to me. I’ve always been a walker. Lulu burned bridges like it was her job. Molotov cocktail, anyone? 

Welp. This time I’ve built one. Let’s see what happens. (;

I’m asking myself now why I insisted on preserving those journals..there’s nothing documented there really. I suppose at the time I thought field trips, parties and sports were worth a reread later in life but…

No it’s weirder than that. I look at Lulu in third person now. The way she moved. The trails she left…like a fairy tale trail of bread crumbs. Back…where? Home? 

Pft. We’ve never had that so nope. She did these things unknowingly but religiously. Compulsive, like I said. So it was trippy looking back at this girl, talking to her future self without realizing it. 

I was able to read between the lines. It was the things she didn’t say. 

Which brings us back to the present. I promise you this, I will say some weird shit here. 

Stuff about me I’ve never said out loud before like…

Well I should start a list somewhere there’s so many. 

Ok fine here’s one…

My whole life I’ve felt people. Not physically I actually shy away from touch, it’s more like…smell. People smell. No…that’s not it either, fk…

Vibes. You all have vibes and I can feel them. Yes, even from here. 

…this may not be the best thing to admit first. “Hey guys! We just met but I know what you’re feeling! Cool beans right?!” Nope! You’re all, “Peace, ya crazy bitch.” 

lol but I guess if you do we wouldn’t get along anyway so good luck to you. 

I’m a freak. But not really. That’s only if you must label which, once again, if you do now may be the time for you to go. I don’t like labels, titles, boxes….it’s human to want to mentally categorize things I get that. I too, am human. 

I think. 

But I try diligently not to put people in boxes and give them names because it’s impossible to do. But it’s a thing! You say. People do it all the time, you say. Indeed they do and yet I stand firm that it is impossible. Thus labels and the people who insist on them, are wrong. It’s a lie and all you have to do is not believe in it. Boom. 

That doesn’t change anything though, you argue. Sure does…it changes you. And I believe Gandhi has a quote to that effect. Or was it Michael Jackson…anyway the world changes one individual at a time and the only person you can change is you. 

Well today I’m telling you I’m a freak which is a label. I’ve just disproven labels so I’m also telling you I’m not a freak. 

Because my blog is fun and easy to understand!

And not a bit sarcastic. 

Nope. 

Anyway…yeah I left a link to the last chapter of Lulus life at the top of the post so ofc you’re welcome to click it but she’s just a ghost now really. And although everything there is absolutely true, it is also not. Just like all her journals. Under the surface something stirs. Who was she? Just a girl. But I can now acknowledge that she did indeed live. I’ve written many chapters in my life but never before did one acknowledge the other. Until today. 

Yay progress! 

As for that weird thing I said about the vibes, I’ll elaborate another time. I will say it’s not actually that weird and that you can probably do it too you just haven’t noticed. People refer to it sometimes as taking the temperature of the room or stuff like that. I just learned from a young age that it was useful so I’m highly trained, or tuned or whatever the fk. I admit it’s weird. 

Try changing that word to different.  In your head. About everything. 

I will say that in the last chapter of her life, Lulu made a few attempts at the whole truth. Blog posts written and set to private. Never finished or even reopened once ventilated…maybe I’ll put those here. 

….still wondering if I’ll even really post this. 

Xoxo

E. 

From my kitchen to yours.