As Promised…

I said I’d do it so I am. You’d think I’d have more fun but weirdly it was a very blah day for me. I feel…empty. 

Anyways..cuteness time! 

Prepare yourselves…

Made this “scrap rug” bc it was all the Pinterest rage a few yrs ago but Omg what a pain in the ass. Like all Pinterest raves I suppose. It’s clearly hideous but it’s a big crochet rag rug not even finished…it’s obviously a dog toy/bed. Kazuki has claimed it and I could probably get rich making these things on Etsy or something but…

Hub made this today. Amazing right? I love lettering but Japanese characters? I hear their kinda tough…

He’s so alert! Not sure what really grabbed his attention here so I had some fun with the pic editing app. He comes in peace. 


The little measuring spoon I use to give him his coconut oil in the morning. Appropriate no?


Told ya he’s super. 



I’ve been kinda busy…

As usual life shifted unexpectedly and well…you saw the pic. lol

Don’t worry we didn’t make him wear em…they were too big. 

He’s a Japanese Chin…3months old and already knows it’s a tough old world. 

The kind hearted owner (more of a rescue sometimes) has been nursing puppy to health while he recovered from pneumonia. He wasn’t quite sure about letting him go, we stopped by for a visit tonight to check in bc he was worried about the lil guy. 

Well the lil guy is a monster lol. Not really but it does remind me of the kids in their toddler years omg…but he’s very smart, sensitive, and has definitely attached to me. I’d say he for sure picked us. Hub and I had been talking about a possible chihuahua in the distant future because they came so highly recommended by my dear Darie73 but were also actively pursuing a huge life goal at the mo so I did not expect…this

He loves being cuddled. So does Hub, clearly. 

So we met him at the store one night before picking the kids up from a sleepover. We couldn’t stop thinking about him so we did more research and some talking and the next morning he was home, in Hubs pocket and all of our hearts. 

I cannot explain to you what he means to me, or how much I love said Blogger for suggesting a lil friend like him. He’s a handful for sure…it’s like having a toddler again! But he gives so much

Worth it.  

Names are important to me and usually I’m pretty good at it (imho) but this time we phoned a friend so to speak. A friend of the Hubs of Japanese descent suggested Kazuki which he says means “harmonious peace”. Keep meaning to look up the written characters in Japanese but like I said…I’ve been busy. 

And I love it. I bitch sometimes and I’ve been a little overwhelmed but yeah…so worth it. 

I can’t wait to photobomb the hell out of a future post. He’s very photogenic. 

But it’s (another) snow day for the kids and Zuk is suddenly out of sight so I’m busy now too. Later tho…


Mystery Blogger Award! 

No you do not have to do a damn thing just enjoy. (:

The awesome Kirra has nominated me and tho I usually fail quite hard at responding…Ima give it a go yo. 

I’m gonna break the rules too probably bc like she says, I’m a grown up person and I can! (Gotta be some perks, am I right?!) Sooo…

I shall answer her questions first. You are welcome :p


If you had to choose between loosing the sensation of touch in your hands or loosing the ability to taste, which would you pick?

Oh snap…taste I guess. I can’t smell and they say my taste is screwed already due to that so yeah…hook me up to an IV!

What paranormal creature, for example Vampire, Werewolf, Alien, ect.. would you choose to be real, and why?

OooOoo…idk something I haven’t heard of yet as I could never be scary…do fairies count as paranormal? I’m never in with any lingo…

What is your favorite food?

I love Crunch n Munch omg….

Who is your one, all time, favorite author? Other than

I like short stories…so F Scott Fitzgerald, O’Henry…classical stuff I guess? But really I like anything if it’s well written. Truth. 

Is fruit too uppity? (I guess this is the weird one..?)

This madam is unfair…borderline fruitism even! lol wtf do you even mean? Rofl yeah some of em are kinda smug now that you mention it. Bananas ffs…

3 things about me…

Omg welp

1. Was terrified of butterflies as a little kid. My mom used to say I’d even scream at lettuce bc I thought it looked like a butterfly..? lol. Kids. Still scared of the Moth Man though. 

2. I’m pretty sure I remember how to write “correctly” but as you can see…I don’t. I write exactly how I speak actually. It’s the most natural, grammar be fkd. No wait I do love grammar just not the whole business of using it…

3. I’m genuinely open minded and never write anything off. Anything is possible in my opinion. For instance maybe unicorns? Prove me to me they’re not real. Mhm. 

My Nominees:

I hate this part because I’d honestly nominate every blog I follow. Maybe there’s a list here somewhere but I’ll do my best 

1. I honestly love the (eclectic? I use words I don’t understand…) anyway, Kira scribbles is a great read with real life short stories I might be kinda addicted to…and she’s a fun lady, too. (:

2. Insights of a Bipolar Rambler…raw, honest, down to earth and open she’s a big inspiration to me. She’s also the reason I have Kazuki so xoxo

3. Linda G. Hill Has been a fav of mine for about 2ish years now! Why? Bc she’s awesome. 

4. Michael Seidel Quirky writer (you all are a little bit lol) but he once made me seriously consider the fate of a spider and that’s kind of a big deal. 

5.Colleen Chesebro Very cool author and person. I love her interest in all things fantasy and I still want the book she just released about fairies with the pretty necklace…sigh. Creative and super friendly, def check her out. 

6.  Bipolar Biped Yeah so I follow a lot of bipolar ppl know why? No? Then you should see for yourself (: This one is always different and I love the thinking “out loud” way of writing. 

7.ThoughtsnLifeBlog All positive, good info and life hacks. What more could ya ask for?

8. BethanyKays She just writes so openly and beautifully about things I have trouble telling my bff and it’s awesome. I just love watching as her wings unfold. 

…ok guys I quit. I love you all, honestly. I’d link a thousand reccomendations if I had the time/tolerance. Sadly I do not have either but the few I did get to are definitely worth a clickity-clickclick! Do it! Or don’t…party pooper. 

My Questions (should you choose to accept them) 

1. What’s your favorite color?

2. If you could be any animal what would you be and why?

3. Do you believe in unicorns?

4. What did you wanna be when you grew up and did you do it?

5. How do you feel about socks…good,bad,smelly..? 

lol was only supposed to ask one weird question. Sorry…good luck with that!

I’m not gonna list my best posts as they have yet to be written. Or…something. I also may have forgotten to notify my nominees (fk!) oops…I try but it’s a tough old world I tell ya. 

Like Kira I’d love to just see any of you answer my questions if nothing else lol. Pretty pls..? Also if I spelled your name wrong or a link is wonky (I’m sorry!) pls let me know. 


The award was created by Okoto Enigma@

“Mystery Blogger Award” is an award for amazing bloggers with ingenious posts. Their blog not only captivates; it inspires and motivates. They are one of the best out there, and they deserve every recognition they get. This award is also for bloggers who find fun and inspiration in blogging; and they do it with so much love and passion. – Okoto Enigma

Rules for the nominees:
Display the award logo/image on your blog (I wasn’t able to save the real logo for some reason so I made the one I used here) 

List the rules.

Thank the blogger who nominated you and provide a link to the nominator’s blog.

Mention the creator of the award and provide a link as well

Tell your readers 3 things about yourself

Answer 5 questions from the nominator

Nominate 10 or more people

Notify your nominees by leaving the nomination link in the “comment” of their blog

Ask your nominees any 5 questions of your choice, with one weird or funny question (specify)

Share the link(s) to your best post(s) 

Amazing Grace 

“I Don’t Know My Name”

I don’t know my name

I don’t play by the rules of the game

So you say I’m just trying

Just trying

So I heard you are my sister’s friend

You get along quite nicely

You ask me why I cut my hair

And changed myself completely

I don’t know my name

I don’t play by the rules of the game

So you say I’m just trying

Just trying

I went from bland and popular

To joining the marching band

I made the closest friends

I’ll ever have in my lifetime

I am lost trying to get found

In an ocean of people

Please don’t ask me any questions

There won’t be a valid answer

I’ll just say
That I don’t know my name

I don’t play by the rules of the game

So you say I’m just trying

Just trying

I’d know my name!

I don’t play by the rules of the game

So you say, I’m not trying

But I’m trying

To find my way

*I just love her. And my hope for her is that she is not the next Taylor swift* 


*featured image is my own. Done yrs ago, style is vector as opposed to the paintings I usually post*

Worth It.

Well I went back here

Unfortunately I have to agree. 

I can’t really know if this is true. But if it is…

Look I see all the bad/weird/crazy out there and I don’t mean us lol. I like do you (:

So not out of touch I’m just…processing. And so are you. And that’s ok. 

Actually it’s a hell of a lot better than the other option. Fake smile Pinterest mom is the new Stepford Wife lol. It’s like everybody makes you feel like sad panda. Not cool. 

Girls, ffs, be nice. I mean even to each other. Especially to each other. I haven’t had luck with female role models…or male really. I ended up with a saint of a stepdad (I call him dad) but the act of leaving…the effect my fathers betrayal left on us..I mean it’s a thing. There’s fuck all you can do about it. Sometimes we’re effected by the choices of others. Actually I think we always are…

Sometimes it’s forever. I try to embrace it…

And I know I don’t make any sense…

But if this is true and I can effect your mood or whatever it said lol…

It’s ok. ^shrug^ 

You’re ok.  Even if you’re not. 

It’s Christmas and if you’re like me you’re maxing yourself out more than anybody’s credit…

Don’t. Trust me. It’s awkward at first but prioritize. 

For me, I wanna say kids but it’s Hub. 



…obligations. Not that we don’t wanna see the fam, but we’re the one with kids. And a half broken mother lol. They all know this we are “straight strugg” (lol Hub)so like…well be here…

Just be the best whatever you you are today. Own it baby, lol. If you suck, you suck. Happens to me quite a lot. Maybe I’m wrighting to me. Apparently I do that. 

And I have too many cigarettes and so much to say idk…

Anyway go check out the cite! It’s kinda fun even if you’re not exploring…

I think I’ll never attach to any religion/faction again. 

I think I’ma make a salad bar out of the whole thing. 


Come at me as a human, be treated as such! Or better probably I’m easily excited. 

But if I can put a vibe out in to the world..

Breath. Spend five minutes maybe with yourself and feel. Ugh…I hate it too but you need to know this is adulting. so the mama picture was pretty accurate obviously. 

Whole thing kinda was. .no it was. 

Anyway the featured image is my own artwork (not that gorgeous one in the screen shot…I could not find a link to the artist so maybe it’s the work of that site?

It was my first. Learning how to use the tablet and pen was like nothing for me. Dunno why I just took to it…anyway I didn’t I know where to start so I experimented with light and shadow until an image appeared. Broke it down like that piece by piece…slowly. 

That is my advice. And my er…what was it? The feels, you know…

It’d be just a touch of introspection and I dunno…

Be ok with you for a sec and put on that smile (if you must) as a favor. Yeah that’s right you still got you’re power and stuff. 

Chill. (: 

Xoxo e.



I know it’s pm in the title lol but I always saw as am. Maybe that’s when I first heard it idk. I wasn’t a fan of the genre before but I made myself sit through it. It really mellowed me…jus sayin (;

“I don’t know what to do..”

That’s the thought. The feeling. 

I fkn hate it. 

I hate it even more because I can’t describe it any better than “I don’t know what to do…” and frustrates the hell outta me. 

There’s this commercial I keep seeing on Hulu…it’s for a medication for some skin disease I think but it’s just these shots of people doing people stuff…working, sitting on a bus, whatever. But they look at the camera and say “See me.”

And then later…”See me, not my disease.” 

I don’t have a disease (officially) but I dig this commercial because I get the feels behind it. People who are hurt on the inside tho…people who are “different”…

It’s just…what’s with the stigmas and why? 

Who made you normal is my question. Who said the way you are is right? 

You go wrong as soon as you ask the question. I can honestly tell you that I dont. I see you and I accept all of your parts (literally) as part of a whole beautiful “creation”.  Even if we did all just evolve from apes and amoebas lol, you are now a human and I think you’re beautiful. 

All of you. 

Do I have maybe a special place in my heart for the especially different like myself,sure! But only because the validate my existence. We validate each other. Because I dunno bout you but I thought I was a freak…the only freak at the freak table. Double bonus suck. So when I see me in some of you…

Well it means to world to me, honestly. I think it’s probably the same for you but maybe I’m just more isolated than I thought. Oh yeah I quit humans locally a while ago. Every girl friend I had (mommies friends included) did nothing but bitch, drink, and backstab. Every one of em bit me in some horrible way or another so I called it off…

I don’t take shit anymore. I won’t. Go be That Girl on the sidewalk in Dewey if that’s what you want but it’s not my jam sorry.  I won’t be the one making sure you don’t puke on yourself or get raped anymore. It sounds cold probably. But I pour my heart and soul into to people. I do this because I genuinely love it. I love people even when they hurt me even when we disagree. But I got to a point where I had to do me and detox. 

Yes, people here are toxic. Ugh I’m so sorry to say it. I hate to write anything off. But I have given up trying to find friends here it only hurts. I’ve got enough of that plsnthx. We’re leaving anyway. But ya know I guess it’s more accurate to say people here are toxic for me

I let them in and I am poisoned. Heartbreaking. 

For me, anyway. I know it’s a normal part of life, meeting/having/losing friends. But I’m not you and my experience is completely different. Letting people in at all is major for me for many reasons. It’s not hard for me, that’s different. I actually sign myself up to love ppl and get shit on at every chance I get haha. It’s my joy. But it’s also my deepest pain. 

Why am I such a fkn walking contradiction. 

My theory? Because it’s funny. 

Haha no I mean if you were god or whatever, you’d get bored and put some of your ants under the sun and a magnifying glass sometimes right? I just try to imagine it sometimes when my life feels like a massive joke that’s over my head.  

My wifi has been in and out btw. The weather here is weird af and the latest trend is this freezing, strong, wind. Thinkin that’s part of it idk. Idc either I’m just…talking at you. 

I hope that’s ok. 

In my old blog I addressed the You’s as Hypotheticals. The reason for that being I didn’t think anyone would ever wanna read my brain vomit but I have to address someone…

I’m gonna tell you something weird and sad and random now lol…just forewarned. Because…idk maybe you can relate? I just feel like I should tell You so here goes…

I play this game on my phone. I’ve been at for over a yr now which is odd for me as I love to download, try it, delete it’s like that’s a game for me haha. But I kept this one and I still don’t know why. It’s so dumb, game wise. And app developers are the worst, business practice and ethics are goin right down the shitter guys, dunno if you’ve noticed. Anyway I play it. And it’s mostly independent (on your own) but there is a chat. Rarely used these days but…

One night I couldn’t sleep. I was playing this game, jamming in my headphones, hitting buttons repetitively (this is soothing for me who knows why) and I’m just there. It’s always 3am when I can’t sleep that’s just how I categorize it because 3am (to me) the words…they come with a feeling. 3am is lonely, quiet, solitary. Sometimes I used to kinda like it but sometimes..

Well I guess I panic. I’ve been left. I’ve been forgotten. Literally. And I fkn hate when I can’t feel people out there. Every once in a while it happens, I feel cut off and there’s a moment of intense panic.

This was one of those moments. 

“…anyone out there?” I braved the chat. The silence was obviously palpable, you know the kind. 

“I’m here.” Said someone. 

Idk who. But thanks, whoever you are.  I’ve been meaning to say that it’s just hard to admit myself to…myself.

See what I’m dealing with here?! lol 

As I always said if you think it’s bad out there you should see what it feels like in here. 

I’m a happy person. I bounce out of bed every morning like it’s fkn Christmas. Idk why. By the time I hit the coffee maker, I’ve remembered I’m a grown up and this is life and I’m not actually excited lol. But…yeah. That’s my nature. 

Still…in here…it’s scary sometimes. It hurts. Why do i insist on letting my brains vomit here? Because when I talk to You I tell the truth. Think I said that once…I tell can tell You the truth. I lie to me still. Doing this is helping me with that. Brains can me trained I think they actually enjoy it. So…I’m in training. 

Sorry. 😕 

But also not. 

And just so you know…

If it’s three am for you…

I’m here. 


*artwork is my own and if you followed me from the old blog (you Hypothetical angel, you) ya might remember the face. I finally finished her. Boom. 

Quack and the birth of Big Brother

…What was slightly horrible, was that from the stream of sound that poured out of his mouth it was almost impossible to distinguish a single word. Just once Winston caught a phrase —‘complete and final elimination of Goldsteinism’— jerked out very rapidly and, as it seemed, all in one piece, like a line of type cast solid. For the rest it was just a noise, a quack-quack-quacking. And yet, though you could not actually hear what the man was saying, you could not be in any doubt about its general nature. He might be denouncing Goldstein and demanding sterner measures against thought-criminals and saboteurs, he might be fulminating against the atrocities of the Eurasian army, he might be praising Big Brother or the heroes on the Malabar front — it made no difference. Whatever it was, you could be certain that every word of it was pure orthodoxy, pure Ingsoc. As he watched the eyeless face with the jaw moving rapidly up and down, Winston had a curious feeling that this was not a real human being but some kind of dummy. It was not the man’s brain that was speaking, it was his larynx. The stuff that was coming out of him consisted of words, but it was not speech in the true sense: it was a noise uttered in unconsciousness, like the quacking of a duck.

– George Orwell 1984 

First of all I’d like to say that I do not in the least feel like doing this. At all. I want to be reading the awesome stories from this cool chick, or anything from the many awesome ppl in my Reader. I actually don’t have time for reading let alone this. But I do what I gotta do so my brain shuts the fk up sometimes. 

I haven’t read 1984 btw. Not entirely….this post stems from a rather deep convo with The Hub a min ago. We’re cool like that. But I haven’t thought about this shit in years for a reason and that reason is mothafkn stress. Our convo started when he found a website with a partial quote from the excerpt above. I googled it (instinctively knowing it wasn’t quite right I guess) and found Chapter 5 in which they discuss duckspeak among many things…

…did you read this in school? I mean the book 1984..? I took so many lit classes they made me stop. I have more than enough lit credits for my major and i woulda paid outta pocket for more if I could have. But I got a lot. This story was never an assignment though…not in any lit class (Omg my Literary Interpretation class at the very least!) social science, political science…took em all. But nope. No Orwell. Having read only the one chapter, I feel like it was intentionally sidestepped in education. 

Look I don’t do conspiracy stuff, ok. I know me and me can’t handle it…anxiety like a boss! But a bad one…a mean one. So I don’t fk with this stuff. Maybe The Powers that Be are up to all kinds of nefarious shit. In fact I’m sure they are! I used to be an activist…but then I had kids and the world was starting to get scary…or I was just starting to notice…but either way, I broke it off. No more news, social media, I ignored anyone who tried to talk to me about the world. But for some reason today, as I’m on a roll in my “mission” (tell ya later), I’m being pushed to do this. So maybe it’s for You. Hope I do it right…

Anyway I posted such a long quote from the story so you’d have a little context and the linkage for that chapter is above. I was able to send it directly to iBooks (I’m a mobile user exclusively) and I kinda can’t stop reading it. Which is weird bc 1. I don’t read (unless it’s short like a blog post lol) 2. Never have I started a book anywhere but word one. Bc duh. This one, I did. At first for research (fact checking is a thing), but now bc it’s just so fkn relevant. 3. As I said I don’t like knowing stuff and this story, while easy to read, is stuff. Fml. I’m a good soldier tho so moving on…

This story was written in 1949. 1984 would have only been about 35 years in the future. I didn’t have the time to read his Wiki in its entirety, but I’m thinking he really thought we were headed this way. I guess I also need to read Animal Farm fk…it’s good don’t get me wrong. Good like Hunger Games which I also can’t watch (tho desperately want to) bc again it just hits too close to home. 

Is it me or does that quacking sound familiar…?


…I’m sorry but did we not just literally have this convo? The best of it is in the comments lol, post itself is shit to be honest just ranting. But you guys are smart. Read the comments 😉. 

But my point is….this is kinda happening. It makes me ever so sad. 

Is this making sense all broken up like that? I’m sorry…tis a deep and difficult thing to discuss and I suck at words. But…you know you’ve had that same thought. The one I underlined in above screenshot.” Are people really that dumb?” You mean to tell me Sheeple are really real?! Well..where’s my unicorn? 

But you know they are. I am in a way I guess bc I refuse to engage. I feel that part of me…god you can find her rants in the archives. I don’t recommend it, they’re fun as far as ranting goes I was quite good lol. But I don’t believe in any of those things  I was so passionate about ten years ago. In this story I’d just be a prole, a blue collar worker. Common. I’d accept Big Brother (did Orwell invent that?!) as a thing I cannot change so I’d do what I was told so I didn’t get “vaporized” or hung. They talk about “thought criminals” being hung…thought criminals?! Dude idk but that…spooks the fk outta me. Idk how it could be done but if it’s possible I wouldn’t put it past em. “Em” being our leaders..our leaders being not just Trump (lol ffs) but the world. Story takes place in the U.K. If I’m not mistaken…he refers to it as Oceania. 

From the sound of it, Big Brother has taken the World at this time. I need to finish that wiki I guess…but it does say Orwell was extremely politically incorrect lol..basically. I like that. So in my opinion he’s maybe some kinda Nostradamus! Hah…hopefully not. 

But c’mon…kinda looks like it right? Is it me?

They’re destroying words. Why…? 

Because mind control…media is entirely BB’s (their slang for Big Brother) thing at this point. Syme, the speaker is employed by the government (everyone is really) to write a new dictionary. The point of which is to further and fully control the minds and thoughts of the human race. Lol hmm…we may have had this talk kinda yep. 

Unconsciousness. Da fk…? but I know I’ve certainly complained about the lack of thought going around. Bet you have too huh. Yep. 

I haven’t read it, but I almost think this is a real life humans equal to his Animal Farm…gov as we know it is gone, over thrown and BB is all powerful. The irony is that they have this Revolution to destroy tyranny! But now we’re cheering in the streets bc of 20 grams of chocolate and a bunch of double speak and worshiping a new Tyrant. 

It’s not unreasonable. Sounds like something we would do. 

Fighter in me says fk that. I do not like being controlled. If thought control is what they want and they seem too big to fight, then fight for your mind. And tell your friends. 

And read that damn story I know I butchered it   Apologies. Im trying to help….

In other news, my house is cleanish (mission) and the neighbors are weird. Someone’s gotten a new rooster. Again. 

Ugh I don’t do long posts like this one and the last few I’m sorry. If you made it all the way well high fives and a big thx to you sir and or madam! 

Idk why I felt the need to do this but I did and so here it is. And I know Orwell had a thing for getting people riled up, right. Isn’t he War of the Worlds guy? My memory is the worst and too tired now to research further. It’s chill time for me. 

But…to all you “unorthodox” people (myself included) let it roll around in your head a min. I kinda think that, satire at the time or not, that this is kinda happening. Not just the literally thing either. There’s been so much news lately I cant hide from it. 

And the fighter (Bella?) says we shall not conform. Which means being more aware I think, unfortunately. Oh and yes, I split my Self into pieces like “the fighter” and Lulu and now Bell. HellsfknBells. It helps me. Sorry it’s weird. 

I’m done. Hope this makes sense. 


*artwork is my own.